Harboring Honey

How to make the good moments stick and the bad ones wash away

The other day, I came across the saying Tutto Passa meaning “everything passes.” Recently, I’ve had these moments of horrifying internal pain—ghosts of old remembrances hover around my temple likes moths to a flame. These feelings—of dread, of mourning a life that I’ve grown out of, of fear for what comes next— bubble up inside me until there is nowhere for them to hide, emerging in the form of tears and puffy eyes, of exhaustion. Tutto Passa, everything passes, has become my new mantra. The bad thoughts, the emotions, and all of the poor emptiness, will pass like waves, drift away. It is up to me to make sure they do not stick, that they do not hover, that they do not eat up my insides until I’m hollow.

I think back to last year, my senior year of college, as what I consider a perfect year. I remember driving to and from campus on sunny spring days with my windows down, singing along to songs that now remind me of the scent of wisteria and fresh cut grass. Walking to the library, going to my favorite restaurants, sitting in the living room of my house that I shared with my best friends, laughing louder than ever. Those moments, all so vivid in my mind, come with the intense sadness that life will never be like that again. And still, a year later, I mourn it. Now, I’m living a new life in a new city with new (and some of the same) people. And I know the saying it’s the people that make the place which is in some parts very true, but the place, from what I remember, was beautiful even in the mundane. Driving with the windows down, walks around the lake, honking geese, iced tea and lemonade. Even those Saturdays, dancing with my friends on a lawn somewhere, singing along to a live band. I remember it all so vividly because I knew it was going to pass. I recall saying in my head over and over again: Remember this! This moment is fleeting! enjoy it while it lasts. And I did. I took pictures with my camera that I later made into a scrapbook. I took every opportunity to spend time with the people who made the place. We learned how to embrace embarrassment and be our most insane selves, to not take anything seriously, at a time (for the most part) when life wasn’t that serious. To make the most of everything, even studying in the library all together, laughing about god knows what. I harbored these memories in a safe space within my heart, making them stick like honey and now I think to myself: I am so lucky to have experienced a love like this.

Now when I reflect back on that time, I think of those sunny spring days filled with friendship and laughter, and the honey of those moments warms my heart. Yet with it, comes grief—the feeling that this spring won’t be the same. That I won’t live that experience of college again. But that wave of sadness, hurt, and heartbreak, tutto passa. I know that snow melts and the trees will become green once again. I will be okay. New memories will come with my experience of being in New York. My people are here and the future is bright! You never know what’s around the corner or what life will throw at you. The present is all you can control and heartbreak is not permanent, it will pass like waves on the shore.